Its 2011!
Are you ready for your future?Tick , Toc ..
time goes by.. Your time... the only time you have that is truly YOURS!
What are you doing with it?
Are you investing in YOU? Preparing for another time?
Both have purpose, but do not get frozen in time thinking about it. What ever you do, DO IT!
Right and wrong are hindsight assessments. If you never do anything, whats there to look back on?
Is "that" right or wrong? Never doing anything and finishing it, DOING it?
I can wind you down a paralyzing hole with reason, all the while the reason to reason slips away! TIME!
Tick, Toc
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HOW to BE organized ...
For real! #1 Never forget a Birthday, Anniversary or other Important date or meeting / class / MD appointment again!!
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With all the free reminder services and features built into Yahoo and Google
NO ONE should forget anything ever again!!
*I am assuming you check your email at least weekly and know how to use the features...
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Yahoo calendar:
Sign in on your Yahoo account, click on calendar, go to my time guides to include Yahoo group or other Yahoo members calendars or create an event, set it as repeating and click every year , under reminders set for 1 day or 1 hour.. your choice!
Set how you want to be reminded.. email or cellphone text... DONE!
Even cheaply made phones can be a birthday reminder - even if no service or minutes are left on the phone! It is a stand alone alarm clock, calendar reminder and address book - a PDA that functions as a phone!
Use it and impress... um, well... everyone with your organizational ability!! Do not leave the office / house / room!! until all appointments are set in the phone/ online or way you will LOOK and see what is on your "plate" for the day!
Build this into your routine (more on that later) for success and mind blowing, on time, adult responsibility level skill!
For blank, ready to print calendar pages to fill in.. if paper / pencil is your style : )
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HOW to BE organized ...
For real!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
With all the free reminder services and features built into Yahoo and Google
NO ONE should forget anything ever again!!
*I am assuming you check your email at least weekly and know how to use the features...
*********************************
Yahoo calendar:
Sign in on your Yahoo account, click on calendar, go to my time guides to include Yahoo group or other Yahoo members calendars or create an event, set it as repeating and click every year , under reminders set for 1 day or 1 hour.. your choice!
Set how you want to be reminded.. email or cellphone text... DONE!
Google is much the same way ; D
Even cheaply made phones can be a birthday reminder - even if no service or minutes are left on the phone! It is a stand alone alarm clock, calendar reminder and address book - a PDA that functions as a phone!
Use it and impress... um, well... everyone with your organizational ability!! Do not leave the office / house / room!! until all appointments are set in the phone/ online or way you will LOOK and see what is on your "plate" for the day!
Build this into your routine (more on that later) for success and mind blowing, on time, adult responsibility level skill!
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| http://www.timeanddate.com/calendar/monthly.html?year=2011&month=1&country=1 |
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HOW to BE organized ...
For real!
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#2 Slow down, take notes, do not operate on auto pilot or just react, think it through!
Organize Your Day with Routines:
In practice, your routine will probably vary somewhat, but the idea here is to get a logical sequence of tasks down on paper, and to follow that sequence as best you can.
5. Expect gradual improvement. It takes time to change old habits and form new ones. Expect others to change slowly also.
6. Praise your efforts — not just results. If you set the table but forgot napkins, acknowledge that you're trying. Reward good behavior more often than you punish bad.Pamper yourself after a week of setting the table perfectly... or completing all your homework or ?? - Someone in the house respecting your spacce - leave a flower, a note, a piece of their favorite candy.. something special to THEM to say thanks for trying.
7. Allow for free time in daily routines. EVERYONE — needs downtime! A nap, a walk, a TV show that is ridiculous.. its an escape.
8. If you aren't taking to the routine, seek help from a counselor who specializes in ADD/ADHD. A pro can help get you on track. There is no shame and usually does not cost too much. There are sliding scale payment plans with some counselors.
9. Stay focused on the long-term goals. Above all, don't give up! Just do it!
If you've ever rushed out of the house in the morning five minutes late, only to realize you left something important behind, or found yourself scrambling to finish a seemingly endless list of tasks at work before leaving the office in the evening, you know that these transitional times can often be the most disorganized parts of the day. But they don't need to be: with a few simple routines, you can keep your mornings and evenings--not to mention the times between--more organized, less stressful, and more efficient. Here's how.
Decide what needs to be done
One of the biggest causes of schedule chaos, regardless of the time of day, is allowing unnecessary tasks to creep into the time we really need to be devoting to the essentials. Taking time in the morning to check out your favorite entertainment news site, for example, might get in the way of finishing breakfast, getting dressed, or making sure you have the items you'll need for the rest of the day.
Before creating any sort of routine, then, start by making a list of the tasks you generally must do at a specific point during the day. Your morning list might include showering, eating breakfast, selecting an outfit, taking care of grooming, preparing a lunch, and checking the traffic report, while your evening list might include finalizing your work schedule for the following day, clearing off your desk, shutting down your computer, and running errands on the way home. In addition to your necessities list, make a list of optional tasks: those you like to do when you have time.
Make trade-offs
Once you have a solid idea of what you need (and want) to do at each transitional time during the day, take a look at your lists and see if there are tasks that you could do more efficiently at other times. For example, if you never feel fully awake in the morning until you've had a few cups of coffee, trying to choose an outfit for the day while you're half asleep might take longer and be a more frustrating experience overall; this could be the perfect task to do the night before, when you're able to think more clearly and have a bit more time.
As with any other organizing project, the idea here is to slot your tasks into the places where they'll fit best. Certain tasks will always need to be done at specific times, of course--you can't eat breakfast the night before--but by scheduling tasks for the times when you'll be able to do them most efficiently, you'll save time and frustration.
Get your routines in place
With your revised task lists in hand, write out routines for each portion of the day in which you normally do the same tasks; for many of us, this means morning, late afternoon/early evening, and night. (You might also have a lunchtime routine or an after-school routine.) Your routines should not only cover the tasks you listed above, but should also describe the order in which these tasks need to happen. For example, your nighttime routine might look something like this:
- Wash dinner dishes.
- Set kitchen table for breakfast.
- Prepare lunch for tomorrow; put lunch bag in fridge.
- Gather papers and supplies for work; put them in briefcase.
- Check weather for tomorrow.
- Choose outfit based on weather forecast.
- Get ready for bed.
- Set alarm for morning.
- Read, then go to sleep.
In practice, your routine will probably vary somewhat, but the idea here is to get a logical sequence of tasks down on paper, and to follow that sequence as best you can.
Make changes as needed
As you follow your routines throughout the week, you'll likely come across tasks you'd forgotten, or may find that you can take care of several tasks at the same time. Your routines should be flexible enough to accommodate these changes; forcing yourself to stick with a routine that doesn't work for you will ultimately be as inefficient as not following one at all. The important thing is to follow some sort of basic routine every day, regardless of whether it's exactly the same as what you started with.
There will always be days when unexpected tasks or occurrences throw us for a loop, when even the best plans won't be enough to prevent that mad dash out the door or a crazy and disorganized afternoon. But with some basic routines there to support you, you'll find that you're easily able to get back on track and to return to less stressful, more organized, more enjoyable days.
1. Give yourself specific instructions. "Put away the clothes on your carpet into the drawers of the dresser in the closet." Be consistent — if your clothes are stored in the drawers of the dresser in the closet, they should be put there every night. You need to know precisely what you want to do. Where it belongs!
2. Assign tasks that you're capable of doing on your own. Success builds confidence. The goal is to teach your self to do things independently and on time.
3. Involve yourself in discussions about rules and routines of the house and its members. It will help everyone understand others goals. Everyone needs to communicate what they are involved in. If the news from 6 - 8 is important to someone in the house, do not bother that person between 6 - 8, unless you REALLLLLLYYYYY need to. Respect space, time schedules and needs of the people you share space with! It goes both ways, respect them, they respect you.
4. Be realistic about time. Make sure you've set aside enough time for yourself to complete your tasks... clear the dishes, and get out the door in the morning. If the original time frame is leaving you five minutes shy, add five minutes.
2. Assign tasks that you're capable of doing on your own. Success builds confidence. The goal is to teach your self to do things independently and on time.
3. Involve yourself in discussions about rules and routines of the house and its members. It will help everyone understand others goals. Everyone needs to communicate what they are involved in. If the news from 6 - 8 is important to someone in the house, do not bother that person between 6 - 8, unless you REALLLLLLYYYYY need to. Respect space, time schedules and needs of the people you share space with! It goes both ways, respect them, they respect you.
4. Be realistic about time. Make sure you've set aside enough time for yourself to complete your tasks... clear the dishes, and get out the door in the morning. If the original time frame is leaving you five minutes shy, add five minutes.
5. Expect gradual improvement. It takes time to change old habits and form new ones. Expect others to change slowly also.
6. Praise your efforts — not just results. If you set the table but forgot napkins, acknowledge that you're trying. Reward good behavior more often than you punish bad.Pamper yourself after a week of setting the table perfectly... or completing all your homework or ?? - Someone in the house respecting your spacce - leave a flower, a note, a piece of their favorite candy.. something special to THEM to say thanks for trying.
7. Allow for free time in daily routines. EVERYONE — needs downtime! A nap, a walk, a TV show that is ridiculous.. its an escape.
8. If you aren't taking to the routine, seek help from a counselor who specializes in ADD/ADHD. A pro can help get you on track. There is no shame and usually does not cost too much. There are sliding scale payment plans with some counselors.
9. Stay focused on the long-term goals. Above all, don't give up! Just do it!
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You can learn how to control the urge to eat. Just follow these simple tips to keep your appetite under control:
- Feed it protein for breakfast. You'll be less hungry later on and end up eating 267 fewer calories during the day. At least that's what happened on days when St. Louis University researchers gave overweight women two scrambled eggs and two slices of jelly-topped toast for breakfast rather than about half that protein.
- Make it climb a flight of stairs. At home, store the most tempting foods way out of reach. For instance, keep your favorite soda in a basement fridge. Honestly, half the time you'll be too lazy to run down there to get it, so you will drink the water in the kitchen.
- Sleep on it. People who don't get their 8 hours of ZZZs experience hormonal fluctuations that increase appetite, report researchers. Learn more about how sleep affects your diet.
- Give it something else to think about. When scientists scanned the brains of people eating different foods, they found that the brain reacts to fat in the mouth in much the same way that it responds to a pleasant aroma. So if you feel a craving coming on, apply your favorite scent.
- Never let it see a heaping plate. The more food that's in front of you, the more you'll eat. So at a restaurant, ask your waiter to pack up half of your meal before serving it to you, then eat the extras for lunch the next day. You are a single eater, unless you are pregnant, so eat a single layer of food!
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- Put it under the lights. You consume fewer calories at a well-lit restaurant table than you do dining in a dark corner. In full light, you're more self-conscious and worry that other people are watching what you eat.
- Talk it down. Entertaining friends with a great story doesn't give you much time to eat up, so you'll probably still have food on your plate when they're done. Once they're finished, call it quits, too. This is why eating alone is a sure fire way to eat too much!
- Offer it a seat. If you sit down to snack -- and use utensils and a plate -- you'll eat fewer calories at subsequent meals.
- Satisfy it with soup. Start lunch with about 130 calories worth of vegetable soup and you'll eat 20% fewer calories overall during lunch, say Penn State experts.
- Give it little choice. Packages that contain assorted varieties of cookies, candy, dips, cheese, etc., make you want to try all the flavors. The effect is so powerful, says Wansink, that when people are given 10 colors of M&Ms to munch on, not 7, they eat 30% more!
- Slow down! It is not a race to see who eats the most or fastest! If you savor your food, taste and concentrate on picking apart the flavors while it is in your mouth, you will enjoy the experience and give your stomach time to tell your brain it is satisfied! To Stop eating!
- Always leave a little on your plate: Plan on putting a portion of something back for a future meal. Even if its a large spoonful of mashed potatoes, put it in a small plastic or glass container for another meal.
- If at all possible, buy only a weeks worth of groceries at a time: If you have a lot of food in the fridge you will subconsciously be worried about getting it all eaten before it goes "bad", or will be tempted to load up the sandwich with a little more < > because you have plenty left... If you shop per week, you will conserve the food to make it last, thus eat less so that you do not have to run to the store before the week is out.
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Organization!! I am presenting the idea of what it is to be Organized.. Part 3 is where the specifics come in... Post 1 and 2 are the get ready steps : D
Is that really being organized?
NO!
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- STEP (1) Sort through all you closet STUFF... get a donation box, a big one!
- Before beginning, eat whatever meal its time for, drink some water, nothing sugary to make you jittery or jumpy and NO alcohol to make you want to quit! Focus! Turn on all the lights in your room / space, open the curtains, the window for some fresh air..if its not too cold....
- Tell yourself you can do this and take a deep breath! Feel the strength of determination enter your every fiber and let's start this !
- YOU are ready!
- Make piles of all clothing, books, backpacks, shoes, whatever is in there... Go through the clothes.. Do they all fit NOW! Do you even like that jacket? Pants, they CAN NOT be something you are saving for when you loose 10 pounds!! LOL.. Haven't worn it in over a year, pitch it! Look terrible in Green? Donate it!
- If it fits today, it stays! Otherwise, donate it to friends who are that size, Goodwill or whatever organization you favor!
- Think of it as your gift and your decision to help someone who needs these items. You are doing someone and yourself a favor by passing things along! Shoes, same thing, do they fit well?! Do they hurt your feet? Do they work with any outfit you still have? Are they in good shape?!? How often do you wear them? Did you even know you had them?!?
- PITCH them into the donation box! Old backpacks that are backups, do you really need 3 backups! Purses, same thing as shoes.. Reduce the clutter to help you STAY organized!
- Consider purchasing organizing hanging "things" to put shoes in, purses in, hang backpacks on... but this is not necessary, just easier! Use what you have or can get at the Goodwill or dollar store ( only get what you need, nothing new!! ) Any kind of bin, laundry basket or plastic box can be used. Wood crates, metal boxes, whatever is sturdy and can hold ALL your whatevers! Do not split them, 1 spot for 1 item type!
- CONGRATS ! , you have organized your closet!! Whoo-Hoo! Stop for the day, no matter how gung ho you feel!---> STOP.
- Again, Use this area for a few days and see if it needs tweaking... do you really want the drop spot for shoes to be on the right, instead of on the left because its closer to the door? or vice versa ? Do you need a hook for your purse and backpack out of the closet, instead of inside? KEEP IN MIND, you do not want to see all of your STUFF all the time. Your mind will relax in your room / space if it does NOT see your stuff and have it remind you of what you need to do ALL of the time!
- That's what your list and visual clues, used sparingly are for! A relaxed mind is an organized mind! Stress creates chemicals in your body that are much like fight / flight responses, it clouds your mind, raises your hear rate and does NOT let you recall details. Remembering details is necessary to remember where things go, what to do and relax in between.
Keep yourself focused, get enough sleep, drink enough water, enough GOOD food, not too much sugar or caffeine, move around, get outside and have faith in yourself..
we can do this : )
*Friend hugs* SISSY HUGS*
The next step covers your desk... One rule, This should NOT be your kitchen table! THAT's an eating surface! Yes, you are supposed to relax at the table and eat your food, not scarf it alone in front of the TV in your room...
On your desk should be any item you need to do your... bill paying, school assignments, whatever you are doing at any time.. So, pens, pencils, erasers, protractor, ruler, markers, stamps, envelopes, highlighters, tape, scissors... whatever! Have them all in a drawer, if not available, a plastic- lidded container, a large metal soup can with a taped rim to prevent cuts ... whatever to KEEP ALL THIS TOGETHER. You do not want to waste time hunting for ANYTHING. Time is money, as they say.. well OK, not in this instance, but it might cost you money if you forget to pay something or loose a check!
(1) Have all of your piles of the stuff that was on your desk organized, sorted as you did with your closet, donated, put somewhere else that makes sense on the floor so you can make sense of it all. Put all dishes in the kitchen (or maybe even a waterproof bin, like a self busing restaurant might have and leave it near the closet or under your bed ) and box/laundry basket for the miscellaneous items in the" what to do with these things" later area !
(2) The old information that is there as storage, needs a manila envelope with the ..... year and contents in it. Do not seal it unless you are storing it!! Need it again or as reference? Leave it un-licked! Use the clasp!
In your closet should be a storage spot, an upper shelf or back corner just for your paperwork/tax/papers you cannot loose... stuff. A box with a lid, called a bankers box is a great idea, it is a box with a lid, easy open, easy close.. no dust, no problems. You can use an old computer paper box, if you have access to them.
Way to go!!! 2 areas DONE : ).... -------->>>> STOP here !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As with your closet - use the area for a couple days, see what needs to be removed, another envelope created, something moved, more light, etc... Keep your closet and desk organized... any routine wanted is usually kept if maintained and done for at least 2 weeks. You have to be ready for a change!! NEVER say its hard, I hate this, I can't do that... You can do anything you put your energies towards :D
I know you can....
Anything you need that is legal, tax, job benefits, work pay stubs, reimbursement amounts, any summons, letter complaining about ( where you are named ) ... letter saying something is paid off, closed account, letter of a payment arrangement, Any credit card, bank statement of which your name is added... even if you never use it. Contracts for services, insurance payments/statements/renewals, Anything that contains your SSN# , you signed or you are legally responsible of/for... Have a current years envelope for each of the categories...
Have a Banking envelope/credit cards, health insurance/care/bills, car stuff/auto insurance, work stuff...Whatever the MAJOR categories sift to be : ) You do not want a lot of envelopes!! Definitely NOT one for each piece of paper!
Letter from friends you may want to keep,pictures, cards, funny emails are in a separate place. Your desk is the serious spot , your desk is NOT for funny stuff. It is the grown up part of the room! A mirror or back of a door or specific wall spot (not the whole room!) can be your "teen space" ! LOL..
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Store any prior years information in a manila labeled 2000-whatever, what is in it.. category or all of that years stuff that survived. Put it away! Use that bankers box or similar, safe, secure box to keep it all together.
Auto insurance stuff, once renewed, toss last years stuff. Shred it if you can.
Health related bills, once they are paid off, save the payoff statement, where it says zero balance, file in that years envelope. It s the only one you need. Shred the ones you do not need, if you can.
Banking statements a year past are not worth much and can be shredded. Same with Credit Card statements, unless its the last one showing a pay off or closing of account.
If you are responsible for utilities, phone or cable bills, keep that current years statements, shred at the end of the year. Keep any unusual statements from November/December, if all is fine, shred.. They can be replaced easily.
Anything associated with NEGATIVE, painful or bad memories, goes in the shredder!! Pictures, letters, papers... SHRED IT! Recycle the paper...
***********************************************Friend hugs* SISSY HUGS*
OK, Part 2 - I have broken it down so it is not so BORING!!!!!!!!!!!
Reminder: Organization!! I am presenting the idea of what it is to be Organized.. Part 3 is where the specifics come in... Post 1 and 2 are the get ready steps : D
The next step covers your desk... One rule, This should NOT be your kitchen table! THAT's an eating surface! Yes, you are supposed to relax at the table and eat your food, not scarf it alone in front of the TV in your room...
To stay organized, only certain activities can take place in certain spots. In keeping with the 1 spot for 1 type of item theory : )
Your study papers, syllabus, bill paying, keep important papers for taxes, notes about payments necessary to pay bills, any piece of paper necessary not to forget an assignment, a bill due, tax information, payment history, CURRENT lists of what needs to be done that week!
If your desk is small, you might need to put the stored papers along side the desk on the floor as out of the walkway as possible ! I am throwing out only one way of organizing I used when money for all those organization boxes, buckets, files and whatever was NOT happening...
Use those manila envelopes that are 8 1/2 x 11 with the metal splay closure. Do not use the closure until the end of the year and you are storing away this information, NEVER use the lick-it seal. How will you ever get it open again without making a... MESS!
Reuse Priority mail flat rate (US post office) boxes or a supply of, not all different sized boxes.. All the same size box!
Mark each envelope with the year and what is inside and put that collection in the same box you used , priority mail box or ?
Have a format Year: what is it the box... tax receipts, important papers (list what they are) : if taxes; year to shred( 5 years later).. Be explicit! You want to find these things again!
Have a format Year: what is it the box... tax receipts, important papers (list what they are) : if taxes; year to shred( 5 years later).. Be explicit! You want to find these things again!
Somehow make sure the box will not fall over, either by blue taping it to your desk leg, putting it between your desk leg and a bookcase or wall.. nothing is to fall over, get wet, get kicked or disturbed! Your desk should be facing a wall to minimize distractions. No window view, not near the door, not looking at your bed... FACING the wall. Put up a energized picture/poster if you cannot stand a bare wall!
Put a desk lamp on it or a wall sconce up if its not large enough to accommodate a lamp! That light and/or 1 or 2 stand up lights for BRIGHT light over Your desk. A 60 watt bulb at a minimum. That light source will energize your brain, telling it to WAKE up! Get stuff done. Have you ever seen a dark bank, Nope.. They need to be alert!
On your desk should be any item you need to do your... bill paying, school assignments, whatever you are doing at any time.. So, pens, pencils, erasers, protractor, ruler, markers, stamps, envelopes, highlighters, tape, scissors... whatever! Have them all in a drawer, if not available, a plastic- lidded container, a large metal soup can with a taped rim to prevent cuts ... whatever to KEEP ALL THIS TOGETHER. You do not want to waste time hunting for ANYTHING. Time is money, as they say.. well OK, not in this instance, but it might cost you money if you forget to pay something or loose a check!
(1) Have all of your piles of the stuff that was on your desk organized, sorted as you did with your closet, donated, put somewhere else that makes sense on the floor so you can make sense of it all. Put all dishes in the kitchen (or maybe even a waterproof bin, like a self busing restaurant might have and leave it near the closet or under your bed ) and box/laundry basket for the miscellaneous items in the" what to do with these things" later area !
(2) The old information that is there as storage, needs a manila envelope with the ..... year and contents in it. Do not seal it unless you are storing it!! Need it again or as reference? Leave it un-licked! Use the clasp!
In your closet should be a storage spot, an upper shelf or back corner just for your paperwork/tax/papers you cannot loose... stuff. A box with a lid, called a bankers box is a great idea, it is a box with a lid, easy open, easy close.. no dust, no problems. You can use an old computer paper box, if you have access to them.
Way to go!!! 2 areas DONE : ).... -------->>>> STOP here !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As with your closet - use the area for a couple days, see what needs to be removed, another envelope created, something moved, more light, etc... Keep your closet and desk organized... any routine wanted is usually kept if maintained and done for at least 2 weeks. You have to be ready for a change!! NEVER say its hard, I hate this, I can't do that... You can do anything you put your energies towards :D
I know you can....
Part 3! So, What do I keep in the manila folders ??? ....
Anything you need that is legal, tax, job benefits, work pay stubs, reimbursement amounts, any summons, letter complaining about ( where you are named ) ... letter saying something is paid off, closed account, letter of a payment arrangement, Any credit card, bank statement of which your name is added... even if you never use it. Contracts for services, insurance payments/statements/renewals, Anything that contains your SSN# , you signed or you are legally responsible of/for... Have a current years envelope for each of the categories...
Have a Banking envelope/credit cards, health insurance/care/bills, car stuff/auto insurance, work stuff...Whatever the MAJOR categories sift to be : ) You do not want a lot of envelopes!! Definitely NOT one for each piece of paper!
********
Store any prior years information in a manila labeled 2000-whatever, what is in it.. category or all of that years stuff that survived. Put it away! Use that bankers box or similar, safe, secure box to keep it all together.
Remember, if it is something you might need later, use the clasp now.. do NOT lick it unless its taxes from 3 - 5 years ago. You will not need these, but must store them for 5 years from the year they were filed. Write a destroy year on them, shred them when the time comes.
Recycle the paper!!Auto insurance stuff, once renewed, toss last years stuff. Shred it if you can.
Health related bills, once they are paid off, save the payoff statement, where it says zero balance, file in that years envelope. It s the only one you need. Shred the ones you do not need, if you can.
Banking statements a year past are not worth much and can be shredded. Same with Credit Card statements, unless its the last one showing a pay off or closing of account.
If you are responsible for utilities, phone or cable bills, keep that current years statements, shred at the end of the year. Keep any unusual statements from November/December, if all is fine, shred.. They can be replaced easily.
In my second post I mentioned .....
You might consider that doing too much for others could deprive them of the opportunity to learn how to provide their own self care! (I think I found post #3!)So, to follow up on that, here's what that implies / means!
I don't think we should think of doing too much in a negative way; in many ways this interference is an expression of love and caring, however we do need to make sure that we temper what we do for our children. Grown or younger... When we do too much we really are not doing them any favors we are not teaching them to stand on their own two feet and preparing them to be independent minded self reliant individuals.
The term Helicopter Parent is used to describe a parent who interferes too much in their children's lives and hovers about them, so to speak, planning their next move or making suggestions on what they NEED to do. This term seems to be used a lot when it refers to college course or study selections... but some parents do hover and interfere in many other areas of their children's lives and some for their entire life.
There are different terms for different hovering and interference methods a parent might exhibit that are not healthy for the parent or child.
The Rescue Helicopter parenting mode
This type of parent will swoop in to issue help at a moments notice. At the slightest hint of trouble, they will be there with their first aid kit ready to heal any wound. They will provide money, supplies and support whenever it is required, without question and have often been known to sort out difficult situations that their children find themselves in. There overriding need is to keep their child out of harms way and hurt and they will do so at their own detriment, often ending up being treated like a slave and feeling like a victim, getting very little back in return. Their children never really learn how to deal with failure or how to get themselves out of tight spots.
This parent needs to realize that they may be doing their child more harm than good. While none of us want to see our children hurt, it is a part of life that sometimes things do not go our way and we end up feeling let down and disappointed; they need to learn this. Sure, sometimes they will need rescuing, but more often than not what they actually need is your support. So, instead of jumping in, ask them what they want to do about the situations and what support, not help, they need from you. See if they can sort it out themselves first. Let them learn from an early age how to make little decisions so they can advance to knowing how and feeling comfortable making larger decisions.
The Blackhawk Helicopter Parenting Mode
You know when this parent is around - they are loud, nosy and come in with all guns blazing. They are nearly always in battle mode, ready to fight the next injustice that is happening to their child. Their overriding need is to be right and to get what is right for their child. They will often not believe that their child has done anything wrong and will blame others. Over and over again! Not seeing what the REAL situation is.
This parents need to learn to let their children fight their own battles. It is very important that a child learns to stick up for itself. The parents needs to hand responsibility back to the child and understand that sometimes, what they want may not be the right thing for their child. There is a bigger picture here, about teaching their child about responsibility and social impact. They need to learn that for every action there is a reaction and you may need to learn to control yours. Next time you feel compelled to wade, in ask your child what they want first and then ask them how they want you to help them let them lead the way. Talk about what they want, what they think they need an WHY. Talk about strategies, if your child wants your help. If not, let it go. It obviously was a passing fancy , not a need and the child needs to know the difference.
The Surveillance Helicopter parenting mode
This parent does not trust their child at all, perhaps because of what has gone on in their past or perhaps because they know what they were capable of as a child. They will interfere and spy on everything the child does, ensuring that it is the right things. Calling them to make sure they are where they shall they will be, mobile phone tagging and internet spies would all be part of this parents arsenal. Some have even been know to spy on their friends on Facebook to make sure they are a good fit for their child. Follow their children, demanding the child have them along as a chaperon. These children are most likely going to rebel, thinking that if they are not trusted, then they may as well do it anyway.
This parent needs to learn to let go and give a little. How can a child ever show you that they are trustworthy if they do not get the opportunity? Do you want to breed an element of distrust in your relationship with them? Think of one thing right now where you could hand over a little more trust to them, perhaps trust in what they say, without questioning. When our parents believe in us, then we begin to believe in ourselves more. Knowing our parents are on our side makes those children WANT to behave so as not to disappoint their parent. Even the most rebelious people want approval from their parents, deep down inside. When that approval is not gained after awhile, the rebellion and negative feeling for that parent escalate.
The Traffic Helicopter parenting mode
This parent has seen it, done it and knows what is coming. Whatever their child wants to do, they believe they can see the road ahead, the direction they are heading in and the likely outcome. Therefore, they direct and steer their child down the roads they want them to go.
"No, don't turn this way, go this way - there is far less congestion. I think this career will be better for you as fewer people go into it, so their will be more jobs."
Often, they take little or no notice of what their children, want speaking for them whenever they feel the need. Fundamentally, this parent wants what is right for the child; they just need to learn to allow their child to follow their own path. Asking themselves whether this is what they want for their child, or is it what the child wants would be a good question. They are level headed and will realize that their guidance may be just a little too much like meddling.
The Private Charter parenting mode
This parent treats their child like a business and it can be a little like having Alan Sugar on demand. They will swoop in, making business deals on their teenager's behalf with or sometimes without, their knowledge. Everything is a deal to them and their teenager is a commodity. They are driven by a need to succeed and have their child do the same. Some have even been known to negotiate pay rises with the child's boss! They will sometimes even network with influential people to get the best job for their child, calling in all their contacts if need be. There whole sense of achievement is linked into the achievements of their children.
This parent needs to stop doing too much and ask their child for what help they need. If their child mentions a new direction instead of instantly calling in their contacts, they should wait to be asked for help. Let you child know you are there for them, but only when they ask.
Second Post
On the topic of Self - care .... What does THAT mean!?!
Ok, bear with me... The following sounds hokey, but its NECESSARY to stay mentally and emotionally healthy , really!
Take a few deep breaths and keep an open mind, wiggle in your chair to loosen those tense muscles and relax. Look outside before you read what follows. Think about how thirsty you are, get a drink of water.
When ready, read on.
Personal wholeness and learning to love and respect yourself, means its important to take good care of yourself. The bottom line is to include in a daily routine getting proper rest, eating healthy food, and movement that suits your personality. Whether active sports or stretches are what you like to do, moving daily is important to our whole health, mind and body. Add to this taking good care of your body, your teeth, hair, skin. It is nourishing to choose colors that you like for your clothing and home furnishings.
Next, you need stimulation to be personally challenged to grow and have interest in life. You also need people with whom to be close emotionally and with whom you share your journeys. You need things to do that bring you pleasure and fun. Finally, you need a way to connect to yourself, such as daily meditation and contemplation. Go over your experiences and internalize them, relate them to your idea of you and if you want to incorporate anything learned into becoming you... A well nourished "self" meets life filled up. You have more energy to participate and give, to meet your challenges, and to do the mental work and healing required to have high self-esteem, good relationships, and enjoyment of your life.
That's the detailed definition of self - caring. It is a new name for an old concept. Take care of yourself, so you can take care of others effectively. Another way to say it is a cup half full cannot fill another's cup.
There is also Mental/Emotional care which ... is how you TREAT yourself. How your self worth and self esteem are kept positive.
Everyone talks to themselves internally, its a natural part of analyzing decisions and ideas. What you say to and about yourself should be accepting, kind, easy to forgive yourself. as you treat a good friend who needs some TLC.... Take every 3rd "I should" off your list and say "no" at least once a week! Have, think and expect reasonable expectations of yourself. This doesn't mean the end of motivation or working hard. The point is to stretch yourself, not break yourself! Set limits if that is what you need- overindulgence is not nurturing or healthy behaviors either.
Having trouble coming up with an idea? Remember things you liked when you were a child, but have long ago given up. Get the creative juices flowing? Paint, draw, get out the hammer and nails and construct something for yourself ! Something you can later look at and remember a relaxing or silly "time".
Isn't it Selfish to Put Myself First?
Some people may consider Self Care the territory of the self centered, who have little consideration for others around them.(See 1st post below)
Wrong! Taking care of your needs lays in a balanced, steady place on the middle of a pendulum swing, with intense selfishness on one end, and extreme sacrificing what you need or want for _others' sake_ on the other end.
In fact, nurturing oneself is a key factor in being able to keep up strength, resolve, motivation and inner resources to continue to give to others, whether that be your immediate partner, family and other important people in your inner circle, or the larger community around you.
You might consider that doing too much for others could deprive them of the opportunity to learn how to provide their own self care! (I think I found post #3!)
All the time management/ life goal experts say put your Self Care into your schedule, just like another class or job shift. Make your self care a priority!
Family caregivers (Mother's or caregivers of others with advanced age or illnesses) of any age are less likely to practice preventive healthcare and self-care behavior, regardless of age, sex, and race and ethnicity. Caregivers report problems attending to their own health and well-being while managing caring responsibilities. They report:
- sleep deprivation
- poor eating habits
- failure to exercise
- failure to stay in bed when ill
- postponement of or failure to make medical appointments for themselves.
If you’re having trouble carving out time for yourself, start small. Say you always wanted to meditate: wake up five minutes early for some deep breathing and visualization. Or if you miss exercising regularly, schedule a once-a-week power walk during lunch. If it’s on your calendar, you can plan work around it.
And the next time you have some breathing space, don’t fill it with errands! Instead, just breathe...
And the next time you have some breathing space, don’t fill it with errands! Instead, just breathe...
Enjoy life :D
_____________________________________________________________My first post will cover -- "Self Centeredness "
Merriam Webster definition of Self centeredness : attempting to get personal recognition for yourself (especially by unacceptable means). Concern only for oneself: egocentricity, egocentrism, egoism, egomania, self-absorption, self-involvement, selfishness.
So, here we go...... Why it's not a "positive" compliment to be called Self - Centered.
It's no wonder why self-centeredness is typically viewed as the most unappealing personality trait in a potential friend or partner. Most of us struggle to maintain a sense of compassion and understanding toward others. Self-centered people, on the other hand, don’t bother to take the time to understand another person’s point-of-view or feelings. Here is a look into the world of the self-centered person and an explanation of common personality traits associated with self-centeredness.
An article in the New Scientist Magazine entitled “Self-Centered Cultures Narrow Your Viewpoint” recently reported that cultures that emphasize individualism, such as America, fail at being able to infer another person’s perspective. Cultures that emphasize interdependence, on the other hand, like those in Asia, are easily able to put themselves in the shoes of others and be more empathetic.
“A Texas corporation ‘aiming to improve productivity,’ told its employees to look in the mirror and say 'I am beautiful' 100 times before coming to work. In contrast, a Japanese supermarket instructed its employees to begin their day by telling each other 'you are beautiful'."
What is it about American culture that applauds being self-centered? And why is it that so many Americans take the bait? Our current culture not only supports, but requests, that individuals put themselves and their own happiness first. According to Mark Drummond, a psychologist who specializes in personality disorders, “being ‘self caring’ is considered healthy, but many mistake that for being self-centered.”
Young people today do not show the same amount of concern that youth of past generations expressed for the state of their country or for current affairs that either directly effect (or will soon directly effect) them and their loved ones. Self caring means that you have concern for others, but not at the expense of yourself. Those of today’s generation have taken it to an unprecedented level and seem to take pride in being self-centered and for caring only about their needs and wants. “They are completely self-driven and more concerned with their image and materialistic things than issues that affect the entire country and even the rest of the world”.
There are various degrees of being self-centered, but the general traits are the same: putting themselves first, only caring about their needs and wants, being unable to see another’s perspective, being uncaring of others. There are times we all have been guilty of one or all of those traits, but what sets self-centered people apart is that they behave that way all the time.
Those who are very self-centered may even go as far as lying or manipulating to get their way or make things work out in a way that favors them. A study on what it is to be completely self-centered was carried out on subjects who had previously been diagnosed as self-centered were given something that they wanted and that others in the room needed. It was concluded that those who are self-centered use a "two-stage reasoning," in which they determine the amount they want to keep for themselves and then distribute the remaining amount, if any, among those who are actually in need.
If there is a person in your life who seems exceedingly self-centered, he or she may suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. It has been discovered that people with narcissistic personality disorder lack a healthy emotional core. They are driven by a moment-to-moment monitoring of their OWN worth. Since they find it difficult to provide self-worth, they seek it from external sources.
If there is a person in your life who seems exceedingly self-centered, he or she may suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. It has been discovered that people with narcissistic personality disorder lack a healthy emotional core. They are driven by a moment-to-moment monitoring of their OWN worth. Since they find it difficult to provide self-worth, they seek it from external sources.
Dealing with self-centered people can be very difficult and frustrating, especially if you are in a serious relationship with them. Those who are self-centered tend to treat the people badly because they view their partners as nothing more than objects that are in place to feed them emotionally.
When dealing with a self-centered person, keep a few things in mind. The first is don’t try to change him or her. Individuals with this disorder rarely think they have a problem until they are on the verge of losing everything. Even then, their primary focus may be to maintain their veneer rather than to get to the root of their problem.
Secondly, don’t play their game. Stay true to yourself and don’t ever partake in behavior that is beneath you. It will inevitably become very difficult to be kind to a self-centered person who is unkind to you, but you can alleviate any feelings of anger by focusing on the person you are and continuing to like that person. It’s also important to be realistic and understand that the the self-centered person will never consider your needs. The self-centered person can have moments of generosity and charm, but for the most part, they are unaware of your needs and uninterested in meeting them.
The most important thing to remember when dealing with a self-centered person is to remain realistic. If you struggle with low self-esteem, being around someone who seems so confident may give you a temporary boost. In the long run, however, YOU are better off attending to the causes of YOUR low self-image - even if it means a period of loneliness. Invest in yourself, so that your future will be a bright and healthy time! Therapy is a healthy investment. I am not implying medication with that statement. A counselor experienced with person centered , non-directive therapy methods, sometimes referred to the Rogerian method of psychotherapy with a counselor or psychiatrist.
Secondly, don’t play their game. Stay true to yourself and don’t ever partake in behavior that is beneath you. It will inevitably become very difficult to be kind to a self-centered person who is unkind to you, but you can alleviate any feelings of anger by focusing on the person you are and continuing to like that person. It’s also important to be realistic and understand that the the self-centered person will never consider your needs. The self-centered person can have moments of generosity and charm, but for the most part, they are unaware of your needs and uninterested in meeting them.
The most important thing to remember when dealing with a self-centered person is to remain realistic. If you struggle with low self-esteem, being around someone who seems so confident may give you a temporary boost. In the long run, however, YOU are better off attending to the causes of YOUR low self-image - even if it means a period of loneliness. Invest in yourself, so that your future will be a bright and healthy time! Therapy is a healthy investment. I am not implying medication with that statement. A counselor experienced with person centered , non-directive therapy methods, sometimes referred to the Rogerian method of psychotherapy with a counselor or psychiatrist.
Everyone has the above characteristic pattern of perceiving and relating to other people and events (They are called personality traits). That is, people tend to cope with stresses in an individual but consistent way. For example, some people respond to a troubling situation by seeking someone else's help; others prefer to deal with problems on their own. Some people minimize problems; others exaggerate them. Regardless of their usual style, however, mentally healthy people are likely to try an alternative approach if their first response is ineffective.
In contrast, people with a personality disorder are rigid and tend to respond inappropriately to problems, to the point that relationships with family members, friends, and coworkers are affected. These maladaptive responses usually begin in adolescence or early adulthood and do not change over time. Personality disorders vary in severity.
Since most people with a personality disorder are distressed about their life and have problems with relationships at work or in social situations.they commonly have mood, anxiety, substance abuse, or eating disorders.
People with a personality disorder are unaware that their thought or behavior patterns are inappropriate; thus, they tend not to seek help on their own. Instead, they may be referred by their friends, family members, or a social agency because their behavior is causing difficulty for others. When they seek help on their own, they tend to believe their problems are caused by other people or by circumstances beyond their control.
While in therapy, the root cause is revealed and healing is possible. This is not a quick process for some people. Choosing an experienced, understanding therapist is essential to your success. Ask for references from your physicians, they usually refer to certain psychologists, who then know what counselors specialize in what area. Do not think it is self-centered to ask for help. It is a natural, normal exercise in fixing or solving a problem!
I hope this covered a few revealing ideas on how to recognize and seek help for a common, and aggravating problem in many relationships. If you have questions about what I referred to , please ask. If you need any counseling, please secure it from an official source. I am not a registered therapist.
Here is a chart of common traits / coping mechanisms and what they "mean" ...
| Common Coping Mechanisms | |||
Mechanism | Definition | Result | Personality Disorders Involved |
| Projection | Attributing one's own feelings or thoughts to others | Leads to prejudice, suspiciousness, and excessive worrying about external dangers | Typical of paranoid and schizotypal personalities; used by people with borderline, antisocial, or narcissistic personality when under acute stress |
| Splitting | Use of black-or-white, all-or-nothing thinking to divide people into groups of idealized all-good saviors and vilified all-bad evildoers | Allows a person to avoid the discomfort of having both loving and hateful feelings for the same person as well as feelings of uncertainty and helplessness | Typical of borderline personality |
| Acting out | A direct behavioral expression of an unconscious wish or impulse that enables a person to avoid thinking about a painful situation or experiencing a painful emotion | Leads to acts that are often irresponsible, reckless, and foolish. Includes many delinquent, promiscuous, and substance-abusing acts, which can become so habitual that the person remains unaware and dismissive of the feelings that initiated the acts | Very common in people with antisocial or borderline personality |
| Turning aggression against self | Expressing the angry feelings one has toward others by hurting one's self directly (for example, through self-mutilation) or indirectly (for example, in body dysmorphic disorder); when indirect, it is called passive aggression | Includes failures and illnesses that affect others more than oneself and silly, provocative clowning | Dramatic in people with borderline personality |
| Fantasizing | Use of imaginary relationships and private belief systems to resolve conflict and to escape from painful realities, such as loneliness | Is associated with eccentricity, avoidance of interpersonal intimacy, and avoidance of involvement with the outside world | Used by people with an avoidant or schizoid personality, who, in contrast to people with psychoses, do not believe and thus do not act on their fantasies |
| Hypochondriasis | Use of health complaints to gain attention | Provides a person with nurturing attention from others; may be a passive expression of anger toward others | Used by people with dependent, histrionic, or borderline personality |
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